Gaming Connoisseur: RPG Party Full of Badasses
After playing a ton of RPGs lately, I realized that my life up until this point has been somewhat unremarkable. Sure, I’ve got a good job, a great wife and all the modern-day convenances a man-boy could ever want but there’s something missing, something that my digital compadres get to experience on a regular basis. What I need in my life is a long series of quests sewn together by an outrageous struggle between god and evil. What I need is a god damn adventure!
Unfortunately, where there’s adventure there’s usually danger, which means I may have to face off against things like bandits, mutants, or modern-day appliances gone mad. Despite my belief that I’d be more than capable of surviving such odds on my own, the rational part of my brain took over long enough for me to decide that to go on an RPG influenced adventure, I need an RPG influenced group of ass kickers.
Ranger - Rob Furlong
Make sure you're about 1.52 miles away from this guy at all times
When it comes to taking out my enemies from a distance, I can’t think of a better guy to bring along than Canada’s Corporal Rob Furlong. He’s Canadian, which means he’s probably a really nice guy…a really nice guy that happens to hold the record for longest confirmed sniper kill (about 1.5 miles). That means we’d rarely even see the creepy crawlies that would hope to eat us or mate with our rear ends, which would allow the rest of the crew the time needed to pick locks, mix potions and write trait-buffing minstrel tunes.
Rogue – Will Willis
Fans of The Military Channel will recognize former Army Ranger and Airforce Para-Rescueman Will Willis from his duties as host (and participant) of Special Ops Mission, a series that showcased his keen aptitude for stealth and reconnoissance, qualities that make him the perfect modern-day Rogue. While the classic Rogue tends to use daggers and poison to round out their arsenal, I’m more than confident that Will’s CQC and expertise in small arms weaponry more than makes up for any deficit him may have in the use of fantasy creature venom.
He's even sneaky in the sunlight
Thief - Colton Harris-Moore
In my eyes, there are subtle enough differences between a Rogue and a Thief to validate including both in my group. Being sneaky is one thing, but I’m going to need someone who can be sneaky, deceptive and steal things, skills that Colton Harris-Moore has in spades. Better known as the “Barefoot Bandit”, Colton went on a rampage of thievery across Washington, Idaho and Canada that included the lifting of everything from bicycles and ice cream to small aircraft and boats. He even went as far as to sneak into people’s homes to simply take a bubble bath or use their computers to order things like bear mace. While I don’t condone theft in any shape or form, sometimes the most grievous acts can be altered to do some good. Besides, a guy that’d think he’d ever need bear mace would be the type of guy that’s more than ready for a bit of adventuring.
Warrior - Clay Guida
This guy is Dovahkinn to the core
When push comes to shove and the bad guys get within arms length of our party, I want to be able to rely on a warrior that’s going to fight hard and continue fighting till either he or his enemies are dead. That is Clay Guida‘s MMA career in a nutshell. While he’s not the flashiest guy nor the most skilled, he’s caveman strong and never seems to run out of gas. On top of that, he takes punishment like a real life Rocky and gives just as much back. At 5’7” and 156 lbs., he’s not exactly what most imagine filling the “tank” role, but watch a couple of his fights and you’ll realize why he’s the perfect candidate.
Berserker - Ramon Dekkers
Similar to my Rogue/Thief argument, a Berserker’s ability to inflict massive damage is the perfect compliment to a warrior’s ability to absorb it and Ramon Dekkers is the type of dude to fill that role perfectly. With a Muay Thai/Kick Boxing record of 186-30, the “Turbine From Hell” has shed more blood than a Red Cross donation center. Even though he’s retired now, I’m sure it wouldn’t take much to convince him to apply his “Art of Eight Limbs” to any possible adventure spoilers that happened to cross our path.
Mage - David Blaine
So mysterious, so scary, so much potential
You’ve all seen David Blaine‘s amazing ability to completely mindf*** people, but have you ever considered that he’s more than likely only showing off a small percentage of his true abilities? There’s no doubt in my mind that Mr. Blaine’s library is filled to the brim with tomes of immeasurable power and pulling cards out of people’s shoes is chapter 1 of 1,000. I may not trust David Blaine fully, but I respect his magic and understand that trust can be compromised if it means keeping your All-Star team from sliding into the minors.
Bard - Richard Marx
Having a pants-poopingly powerful squad is nothing should morale dip, a scenario that I can’t foresee ever occurring should I bring along the proper Bard. Richard Marx is that Bard and his comforting ballads have lifted my spirits on more than one occasion. In fact, I’ve noticed a substantial increase in all of my physical attributes while enjoying selections from the Chicago-based crooner’s discography.
Should you happen to be in a sticky situation and see my crew rolling your way, praise whatever heathen god you worship, ’cause your day just got brighter. However, should you be the cause of aforementioned stickiness, the sweet noises from Mr. Marx’s sound box may be the last thing that you ever hear.
Gaming Connoisseur – Gaming is already a very stimulating and often times personal experience, but every gamer thirsts for a way to take that experience to the next level. This series will deal with ways that video game enthusiasts can enhance or even alter the way they play in order to prolong the longevity of a beloved title or discover something new.
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car rides with mom= her driving putting on makeup listening to the smooth sounds of Richard Marx. That dude is the man.