I’ve done it, I’ve finally done it! After twenty-four years of hands on research, I’ve identified the characteristics of a True Gamer. It was a difficult process but one that I feel will benefit the gaming community as a whole. No longer do we have to deal with the fakers, attention whores or casuals as they’ll quickly realize we’re on to them and be forced to enjoy some other entertainment medium. Video games are for us and only us; the true gamers.
No Kids Allowed
First off, True Gamers had to be born in the mid 1980’s or before. This is to ensure that your first console was one of the low-fi consoles of the earlier generations, the type that forced you to use your imagination due to the lack of graphical fidelity and grit your teeth as you worked through punishing levels. Games today are too easy and way too focused on graphics to be acceptable as worthy in the eyes of a True Gamer. Bonus points to anyone that was too poor to actually own a system and instead had to rely on the local arcades. If you happened to be born later in life, but collect old consoles because you missed out, that doesn’t count, because you’re a hipster. You chose to be interested in retro tech, but to be a true gamer, you had to have suffered like a true gamer which brings me to my next point.
No Noobs Allowed
True Gamers liked games before it was socially acceptable to like games. Back in those days, people’s lives were ruined for liking video games. I knew people who had to change schools and even move out of state because of their affinity for gaming. It was a frightening time, one marked by secret meetings in people’s basements and discreet trips to the toy store for the latest releases. Eventually, gamers finally gained acceptance from our peers, but the hurt is still there. Very few marginalized groups of people know just how awful we had it. That’s why we just can’t accept “new” gamers entering out inner circle and must treat you like people treated us back in the day. It’s only fair.
Also, a True Gamer is an instant expert in whatever game he plays. Just because a game is new doesn’t give anyone an excuse to suck. If you want to be a True Gamer, you need to have an elite skillset in every game you play or risk getting booted. We don’t have patience for people who might cause our carefully crafted plans to fall apart.
No Fake True Gamers Allowed
A True Gamer is neither hardcore nor casual. Hardcore gamers don’t have lives and casual gamers don’t play the correct games for the correct amount of time. There’s debate about how much time and what type of games equate to True Gamer greatness, which is why True Gamers are forced to fight with other True Gamers about this very fact. The group that is wrong can’t possibly be True Gamers, but will claim to be regardless of being informed of how incorrect they are. These individuals must be rooted out at all costs because there can’t be too many True Gamers or else we’d be like every other sheep on the planet and our individuality is key to our success as humans.
No AAA Lovers Allowed
Another quality of a true gamer is a hatred for those horrible AAA companies and the mush they sling at us year after year. Even though they brought gaming to the mainstream and have pumped billions into the industry, thus allowing it to flourish, they’ve ruined gaming. While some AAA companies are actually evil, a True Gamer lumps them all together because distinguishing one from the other isn’t worth our precious time and eventually they all turn corrupt anyway. It’s like preemptive disdain. This is not to say that a True Gamer will never buy a AAA title though. It’s actually the responsibility of the True Gamer to play as many AAA games as possible and then quickly take to the internet to warn those that aren’t as True of gamers as we are. Additionally, we also need to possess an encyclopedia-like knowledge of all things gaming because a True Gamer’s reach should never be limited merely to what one likes. That being said, a True Gamer should never let on to the fact that they actually enjoyed one of these games, but instead should refer to them in smug ways and mock their lack of artistic merit and creativity.
No Indie Haters Allowed
All indie games are great and should be the largest portion of your gaming diet. While there are some “bad” indie games out there, they’re still good because the developer never comprised his emotional connection to the game. If they had a AAA budget, they would have made the greatest game ever (though having such a budget would automatically demote them in our minds). Merely having the classification of “indie” is enough to launch our affections directly at the private parts of the creators. If you only play indie games, though, that also makes you a hipster because the only reason you’re playing is because of the fact that it says indie in the title. That’s another reason why we suffer through AAA games as not to be confused for hipsters.
NO GIRLS ALLOWED
While we’re somewhat comfortable with women playing games, a woman can’t possibly be a True Gamer because games are made for men. We’re flattered that you’d all pose as gamers in an attempt to get our attention, but we take our hobby too seriously to allow this to change our viewpoint. When we interact with you, it’s a means of eventually having sex with you so when you pop up online to “play” a game with us, we’re more than happy to “play” along. Just show us your boobs or email a picture of your genitals to us. If you’re attempting to actually play with us, be ready because we’re not going to go easy on you. Because we believe in equality however, we’ll treat you like any other gamer. This makes us sophisticated and makes you look like immature children for claiming sexism. We’re actually quite feminist if you think about it, but we don’t really believe in feminism because that’s for ugly lesbians and we only like the pretty kind that will have threesomes with us.
I know this may seem harsh, but True Gamers have to distinguish themselves. While it’d be easy to allow everyone to game like they want, regardless of gender, race or length of gamer-hood, such a viewpoint is dishonest. That is why we’re forced to label everyone. We don’t want to, but we have to preserve gaming in a way that we’re comfortable with because too much change could ruin things for those of us that began this journey so many years ago.
Gaming Cynic – I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. My usually jovial self will be taking a mental health day. Instead, I’ll be looking at everything in my life through a half empty glass. I’ll get over it, but my pissy mood wants to burn some bridges first.
Giant Bomb (images)